I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
