I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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