WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize