she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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