Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
