There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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