we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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