sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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