she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
