Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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