and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
