fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
