She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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