You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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