Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
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You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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