fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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