You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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