You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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