id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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