hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
