It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
