So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i think i just lost a toe
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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