I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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