I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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