If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
