Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
