I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
MIDGETS
????
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
