it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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