"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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