They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
