I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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