I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
