I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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