i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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