Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
