If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
