I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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