so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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