Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
