I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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