god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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