we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
