you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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