This is not my ceiling
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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