You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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