Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The beers last night were like the tears from god
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
