What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my sisters under your porch take her home
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
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I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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