i already hear my dad disowning me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
