if only i could text you this smell
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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