i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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