'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
