We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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