His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
