How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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