I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
