Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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