i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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