We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
