watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
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