He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
